two steps forward, five steps back

isn't this fun.

saturday, i finally went out and bought some new clothes. not much, but a pair of corduroy pants that seems to fit pretty well, a blue turtleneck, and a orange long-sleeve shirt. didn't spend too much, and i liked the way they looked. it seemed like a good thing. in any case, it felt a little gratifying (and a lot weird) to put on things with the letter "s" sewn into the collar, and not fear splitting them wide open if i dared to breathe. okay, let's be fair, these shirts are probably the biggest 'smalls' i've ever seen, but the shoulders are the right width, and the trunk is only about an inch too long (i can put my hands in my pockets without feeling like i'm gathering the train of a wedding dress), and they were in my price range, so i bought them. it's not like they're skin-tight or anything (far from it; i'm not nearly brave enough for that).

well, so here i was, thinking positive (or at least trying, which is an accomplishment for me in itself), putting on my orange shirt this morning, looking in the mirror, and thinking, "you know, there might be hope yet..." it was a little bit like that story about michaelangelo, where he made some comment about seeing the form trapped inside of the rough stone, and then just cut away the extra. as i looked in the mirror, i glimpsed momentarily the potential form underneath my skin, and thought that maybe, just maybe, i might someday succeed in cutting away all the excess.

and just as the little seedling of self-esteem starts to germinate, the big black bird of inevitability swoops down to grab it, and crushes the life out of it with its big orange beak. and then swallows it whole, or something like that.

right, so what actually happened is that nikolaus spent the latter half of the afternoon grinning like an idiot while periodically poking my midsection like i was the goddam brown-and-serve roll mascot or something. after the second time, i gave him a funny look, and he said something like "it's just the shirt; it makes it stick out or something." great. this is _exactly_ what i needed to hear...

sorry folks, that's the end of the story (at least for today). yeah, i know, i'm still waiting for the happy ending too. or at least a punchline. anything, really...

life blows; i guess we should just get used to it. or something.