terms of endearment

finally, i feel like i'm starting to recover from the emotional exaustion i've been stuck under for most of this month (the result of the interminable two paper marathon from april that i described before).

there's just one teeny-tiny little problem. well, not even so much of a problem as just a fear, which i hope is irrational (like so many other things that occupy my thoughts).

anyway, what worries me is that i really feel good right now. i know, that sounds weird, but hear me out. i've been so totally sapped lately that i haven't even had the time or energy for mood swings, which are not especially my first choice for where to spend my time and energy now that i have some again.

right now, i pretty much feel on top of the world; the sun is shining, i've got most of the near-term stuff at work under control, and i'm leaving for los angeles on saturday to see a bunch of my friends i haven't seen in nearly two years. so the funny part is that what topped it all off, and made me start thinking about this is that i received an email this morning from a friend here, and he referred to me as "pal." it's almost ridiculous that i would even notice such a thing, since he's basically the best friend i've made here, but somehow reading that informal and amical moniker gave me such an incredible rush of elation that i finally realized that my brain chemicals are most likely just playing games with me again. and now i'm scared.

scared because if it's true, then in about two or three weeks, i'm going to hate life again. it's pathetic. i can't even enjoy the good times, because i dread the bad times so much. it's like when they slowly crank the roller coaster up to the top, and you're never quite sure at what instant they're going to pull the bottom out from under you, and you're going to feel like you're going to die. (i hate roller coasters; it's just not fun for me---my sister says i'm "thrill-ride impaired...")

so yeah, even when everything seems to be going right, i'm still insecure and afraid---and of myself, of all things. i guess i just have to try not to think about it.

a beautiful day in the neighborhood

jeez, if it would make the weather this perfect every day, i'd almost be willing to don a fashion suicide cardigan and sing the song... wow. and i also want to reiterate how much i appreciate summer days at high latitude; last night it was still light out until nearly 10:00pm. i love it. some people talk about "flying south for winter," but i think it's an equally tempting proposition to consider moving north for the summer. it just wasn't the same in los angeles. i want more daylight.

monday night i had dinner with my neighbors (florence and xavier, the non-insane ones), and brought one of my lemon meringue pies. it was fun, and i think we all had a good time. i especially like the fact that they are willing to suffer through my french. we even watched a french movie afterwards, while eating the pie. then we just sat around and talked about stuff. he's not fanatical about it, but xavier has a small yet respectable collection of the large hardbound comic book series that are really popular here, and he lent me a short set (8 volumes). the catch is that there is usually like a year in between the release of each volume, so if you like a story, you have to wait a long time. luckily, i made sure to borrow one where the story arc had already been completed. :) i hate waiting.

the starwars movie was fun. i think my final review is just that "it's starwars;" you can't expect much from it, and so by that measuring stick, it was even halfway decent. tying into my comments about "complete story arcs," there was a certain measure of satisfaction that came from having some completion on the story, too. for whatever reason, though, i still feel like computer animation is just cheating, and utterly inexcusable. i mean, jim henson had class (i can't remember if he was directly responsible for the puppets in the first set of films, but puppets are just damn cool regardless). animation just, well, for obvious reaons, makes it feel like a cartoon. and nothing against cartoons, but it seems to cheapen the experience somehow. eh, whatever. it's not like i'm going to go to the theatre a second time, but i'm glad i did go once.

the big electricity party is tonight. there are several reasons why i'm not going; basically, i really don't like large crowds (they expect ~15,000 people each year), and cover charges are against my religion (it's a 35 franc ticket). well, the ticket would have been cheaper if i had bought it a month ago, but i missed the deadline, and still, i just don't believe in paying for parties.

okay, that's all for now. we're at T-8 days and counting.

huzzah for once-per-month updates

heavy sigh.

well, but what a month it's been. shazbot. unfortunately, most of it was somewhat less than exciting (rather frustrating, actually), seeing as it was nearly usurped in its entirety by these goddam papers and their infernal perpetually-self-extending deadlines... but as of saturday night, the second one finally got submitted, and i've had a little bit of a breather for the first time in a very long while. this was also accomodated somewhat by the fact that yesterday was yet *another* catholic holiday in this unbelievably irrational country [rolls eyes].

so, yeah, there was plenty of work, interspersed occasionally with twin-peaks-wednesdays, and even a short low-impact hike on ascension thursday. the weather has been even more moody than usual of late; it's basically every other day now. one day of gorgeous sun, one day of muddy rain... at least they seem to share equally, i suppose...

i'm starting to get really excited about my upcoming trip to california. it's been almost two years since i've seen all my so-cal friends, and i miss them terribly. of course, all blessings have to be mixed (stupid stupid cosmic laws of the evil universe), and so with this elation also comes apprehension about my presentation for the conference, since it will be my first.

dena and conlin had a bunch of people over for a tasty fondue on saturday, which was awesome. it was also fun to be named the "guest of honor," because she said the reason she decided to do it was because i've been having everybody over every wednesday.

speaking of wednesday, i had to cancel this week's installment, as several of the usual crowd staged a mutiny in favor of going to the starwars movie instead. apparently, by some accidental mis-alignment of the stars, it's actually opening here a day earlier than in the states, as opposed to the usual three months later. strange. oh, and have i mentioned that the swiss people artificially insert fucking "intermissions" (read "cigarette breaks") into every movie that they show? it's really damn annoying, and detracts heavily from the theatre experience. but i've never been a huge movie afficianado, so it probably doesn't matter much in the long run.

i've started listening to the pimsleur recordings for german, and am at lesson 11 of 90, i think. remember the joke about highschool spanish, where the only thing you end up learning is "give me the fish of your brother raoul," or something equally useless? well, i know it will get better (at least it did with the french recordings) and i know we have to start somewhere, but i just kinda feel dumb repeating phrases like "where is the goethe street?" and "the opera square is here" and "no, no, not here, over there," etc, etc... it'll come eventually.

okay, with those godforsaken papers finally out the door, hopefully i will be more diligent about journaling. unlikely, i know, but if i keep telling myself that, maybe at some point i'll start believing it.