terms of endearment

finally, i feel like i'm starting to recover from the emotional exaustion i've been stuck under for most of this month (the result of the interminable two paper marathon from april that i described before).

there's just one teeny-tiny little problem. well, not even so much of a problem as just a fear, which i hope is irrational (like so many other things that occupy my thoughts).

anyway, what worries me is that i really feel good right now. i know, that sounds weird, but hear me out. i've been so totally sapped lately that i haven't even had the time or energy for mood swings, which are not especially my first choice for where to spend my time and energy now that i have some again.

right now, i pretty much feel on top of the world; the sun is shining, i've got most of the near-term stuff at work under control, and i'm leaving for los angeles on saturday to see a bunch of my friends i haven't seen in nearly two years. so the funny part is that what topped it all off, and made me start thinking about this is that i received an email this morning from a friend here, and he referred to me as "pal." it's almost ridiculous that i would even notice such a thing, since he's basically the best friend i've made here, but somehow reading that informal and amical moniker gave me such an incredible rush of elation that i finally realized that my brain chemicals are most likely just playing games with me again. and now i'm scared.

scared because if it's true, then in about two or three weeks, i'm going to hate life again. it's pathetic. i can't even enjoy the good times, because i dread the bad times so much. it's like when they slowly crank the roller coaster up to the top, and you're never quite sure at what instant they're going to pull the bottom out from under you, and you're going to feel like you're going to die. (i hate roller coasters; it's just not fun for me---my sister says i'm "thrill-ride impaired...")

so yeah, even when everything seems to be going right, i'm still insecure and afraid---and of myself, of all things. i guess i just have to try not to think about it.