the machine that runs on madness

okay, now that this whole aweful awful saga seems to have finally come to a close (i hope i haven't hexed myself by saying that), i finally have a moment to explain the frustrating pain in the ass that has been indicative of work since i got back.

the fundamental problem is just that we've been devoting nearly all of our time to this stupid class we're teaching, and haven't been able to really focus on research since before september. but, of course, we still need results, for several reasons. the first (and most annoying) is the discussion i had with alcherio last summer when he mentioned that he was disappointed that we didn't yet have any results. while i also was disappointed, i found this more than a little unnerving, seeing as the primary reason for us not having decent results is that neither he nor i have any background or experience in the things that he's asking me to do. the second is the fact that we are helping to organize SIS2005 (a new conference specifically dedicated to swarm systems that alcherio proposed and is co-chairing), so we should probably submit to it. and the [original] deadline was january 15. so, that meant that i had to take my work home with me over christmas, which was annoying, and also that the one week between my return and the deadline was basically guaranteed to be a living hell. i worked like a dog for that week, and still didn't have anything i really felt comfortable with. probably this is a personality flaw of mine, but i find it frustrating and difficult to present/pitch/sell ideas or information that i don't really believe in myself yet.

and then what happens? well, the deadline gets extended, of course, thereby prolonging my misery. :) here we go again, another week of 12 hour days, and it wasn't until finally on thursday morning that i was able to actually prove logically that what we were trying to do simply would not work (ever). while in a way this should have felt slightly vindicating, it was also a real spirit-breaker, since i was then left with about ~36 hours to start over from scratch. i explained all of this to alcherio in our meeting that afternoon, and we worked on it together for about an hour, and were finally able to come up with an alternative that seemed more reasonable, and he also said he knew no one would look at the submissions until monday, so we could continue to work on it over the weekend (oh joy). by the time the second extention came around on saturday afternoon, i was really starting to think that there was some higher power out there who hated me.

luckily, markus somehow knew that i desperately needed a break, and called me asking if i wanted to go up in the plane with jean-christophe, him, and christine (jean-christophe is a pilot). it sounded like fun, so i accepted. i had never been on a non-commercial aircraft before; it was quite amazing. even more cool than i could have imagined. almost enough to convince me to try taking piloting lessons, if it wasn't for the little detail that they're so damned expensive... now he's trying to convince me to go up in the stunt plane with him sometime, but i'm sticking to my story that i think my body needs more practice getting used to the unnatural accerations of "normal" (in a tiny plane, even normal is intense) flight first. :)

and then i spent the third week (up until this morning) trying desperately to pull something reasonable out of thin air. what i eventually submitted wasn't nearly as terrible as i would have originally thought, but it's still basically a piece of crap. at least it's something that i don't necessarily have to be ashamed of, even if i can't be proud of it.

in any case, it's more than time for a breather. ski weekend starts tonight. should be fun.

book soundtrack

have you ever been listening to music while reading a book and for some completely irrational and inexplicable reason suddenly felt that the music somehow matched with the plot, or the charaters, or both? that happened to me a couple days ago, and now i can't stop listening to the album. the combination is "a deepness in the sky" by verner vinge, and duran duran's "astronaut." it's strange, since i think i would have ordinarily written off duran duran as run of the mill cheesepop, but now i kindof like this album (is that a bad thing?). i guess it strikes a certain synergy with the book, though, which is interesting, and raises some difficult philosophical issues (why it was recommended to me), but is essentially still a cheap scifi paperback.

i don't know why, but for some reason i always feel guilty about enjoying (even a little bit) the "lower arts" or things that are more popular with the general public. probably stems from my abysmally low opinion of the general public; in particular, their abysmal level of cognitive competence. i guess the summary is really just that i hate the fanatics and dorks that embarass themselves just as much as the next guy, but being a scientist, i also think that technology and creativity are interesting and sometimes even exciting things---i just haven't found a clean way to reconcile these two warring brain factions yet.

if anyone has any more insight into this, i'd love to hear it.

congrats to the lil sis

hey, my sister just got a phone call from the dean at loma linda telling her she'd been accepted. :) she'd been worried about it for a while, since one of her friends got the call like a month ago, which was sorta weird. anyway, i'm really happy for her, and i think it's pretty cool.

half way round the world

okay, here comes the super recap blitz.

i did indeed travel back to the united states for christmas. interestingly enough, i made the trip on the 23rd of december, which despite being one day after the winter solstice (the shortest day of the year) was unquestionably the longest day of _my_ year. let's just say that newark is not one of my choice destinations; was stuck there on a 5 hour layover + 3 more hours of my flight being delayed. by the time i landed in portland, i had been awake for something like 30 hours, most of them having been crammed into a plane. christmas passed with little notable fanfare (that's a good thing). time with the immediate family and a small collection of relatives, lots of food, a couple thoughtful (yet impractical) gifts, you know, the usual.

basically the only bad parts of the whole trip were having to make appearances at church with my parents. (have i mentioned how much i loathe formal clothing?) but even those two trips i probably wouldn't have minded so much (i'm willing to waste a few hours of my life for the sake of a small measure of peace in the family)---what annoys the living hell out of me, though, is the fact that the rest of the uneducated peons there can't keep their fucking mouths shut. they have to insist on asking me about my research, which they stand basically zero chance of understanding (mind you i hardly understand it myself), so i try to let them off the hook by spitting out a one sentence overview using only small words, but they just won't let it drop; they keep prying and talking and smiling like i should be happy to see them when all i really want to do is grab them by the shoulders and shake them until their heads fall off while screaming at the top of my lungs. alright, so i've basically turned into an academic snob. but i don't care. lack of knowledge i can deal with. lack of desire to see past the end of one's nose, i will never understand. it's just so hard to see those people and think of anything but how pathetic their ignorant existance must really be. it completely boggles my mind.

whoa. i guess i got carried away a bit. deep breath. anyway, the rest of the time was quite good. i was even fortunate enough to be granted a brief audience with jaime; we got about 45 minutes over a cup of tea by the side of the freeway as she zipped through town on her way from california to spokane (where she's aparently living now). it was kinda surreal more than anything else. that weird feeling you get when looking at one of your closest friends and suddenly realize that despite your best efforts and intentions, you've begun to grow apart, and things just won't be the same ever again. i think it was good and important that we did see each other, though, even if only for a few minutes. helped to smooth a few things over, and correct some mis-communications, etc. knowing that we care about each other, even if we don't get to talk very often.

unfortunately, treye was on the same sort of schedule (just passing through), but he actually stayed the night, and we got to see quite a bit of each other, for which i am exceedingly grateful. you're awesome, man. i can't wait until we can get together again.

and, as long as we're listing off the friends i was able to track down, i got another pleasant surprise---i stumbled across ben stagl, and went to dinner with him and jon springer. wow. must have been at least 6 years since i saw them last (our highschool graduation). but it was totally amazing to see them and talk with them, and hear what's going on in their lives. as far as i can tell, they're both doing pretty well for themselves.

i also grabbed peter for dinner and a film one evening; he even took me by his practice space downtown. unbelievable. i mean, man, you know i've always been jealous of your talent, but seeing you actually putting forth the guts to go through with it is really really cool. and there is not even the smallest doubt in my mind that you will succeed, and succeed spectacularly. quite literally, you rock, dude. :)

so yeah, seeing people was the best part of the trip, and those were the major highlights. the rest of the time was pretty much consumed by the wildest craziest shopping spree of my entire life. now, i doubt if i will ever be what people refer to as "patriotic," (in fact, if you ever percieve me as such, please shoot me on sight) but there are certain things that you learn to appreciate as an expat living abroad. okay, i know consumerism is bad, particuarly to the grotesque extent that things are pushed to in the united states, but man, it also has its benefits... like even the simple little goodnesses of [gasp] stores being open when they're supposed to be, or [oh my god] "insert anything here" being the ordinary semi-affordable price that it should be instead of three times than your most ridiculous imagination. and customer service---wow---to think that people might actually care about your repeat business, and therefore treat you like a real person... utterly unbelievable...

i probably spent way more that i should have, but it was mostly on stuff that i haven't been able to get for the last 18 months, and won't be able to get again for a good long time. not all self-restraint was completely lost, however; i did manage to stop myself from buying a kitchenaid stand mixer [rolls eyes]. i did get a really nice pair of snowboard boots, though, for an excellent price. especially considering the exchange rate right now, i must have paid less than half of what they would have cost in switzerland. and a bunch of miscellaneous little things, too. clothes that fit that i can also afford, a pair of trail hiking shoes, and books (oh my god)---i spent an entire afternoon in powells; it really is "the greatest place on earth" (tm). i love that store. all five city blocks of it. i must have come back with a whole shelf full of books, and i wouldn't be suprised if someone told me that the grin i had on my face going home was giving people sunburns, i was that thrilled. and then, of course, since i'm a cooking dork, all the requisite kitchen gadgetry that i've spent the last year doing without.

and the food. i do miss the food. thai, chinese, mexican, even prime rib. yum. i love it all, and i can't get it here (well, without sacrificing a couple of internal organs on the black market, at least). even more than the stereotype, i gained some weight back over the christmas season, but i think one of the important parts of staying healthy is realizing that you do have to treat yourself sometimes, so i'm not terribly upset about it. and actually, come to think of it, that might even make for a reasonable new year's resolution. i want to really try to get my health under control this year, but most importantly *safely.* we'll see how i do. one can always hope, right? (yes, as a matter of fact, i am in an optimistic mood today. it doesn't happen often, so enjoy it.)

then there was the flight back, which was even longer than the one coming, and longer still, seeing as i got suckered into volunteering for a re-route through paris getting in six hours later. but hey, $500 bucks for six hours isn't bad by my books... hell, i wish i got paid like that all the time. (who wouldn't?)

and so here i am, back in die schwiez, shoulder to the grindstone. work wise (even after accounting for the jet lag) this week has been frustrating, and next week promises to be the same, but i'll save that story for next time.

happy new year, everybody.