the writing on the wall

someday, probably rather soon, i'm going to get myself stuck in a situation that i can't smooth-talk my way out of. for a while there this morning, i half thought it was going to be today.

but no, rest easy my children, i live to fib another day.

i had my individual meeting with alcherio this afternoon. and of course the reason for my distress was the fact that i've made precious little meaningful progress in the last 3 weeks since we talked, as i have bemoaned in several previous posts here, i believe. and, naturally, my computer crapped out this morning. luckily i'm finally at a point in my life where i'm organized enough not to lose any appreciable amount of data, but it still took the better half of today to rebuild the machine. and then there's the camera-ready deadline for SAB coming up september 1st, followed closely by the ICRA submission on september 15th, and then my midterm review in october, just in time for the SIS deadline october 31st. and this morning, i felt like i had a whole lot of nothing.

well, that's not entirely true; i busted my ass to get a new version of the SAB paper out last night, so i had that to show him, and that made him happy. unfortunately, now that i've addressed most of the reviewers's comments, it's a page too long, but we'll find a way to deal with that.

i'm much more worried about getting something reasonable for these next two looming submission deadlines. but he asks me what we're planning, and i propose a bunch of stuff, and half make up some more on the fly, and he responds with suggestions and critiques, and we talk about it for an hour, and he actually seems to think we're on the right track. funny thing is, i kinda do as well. which should be calming, i suppose, except that the feeling never really seems to last more than about 36 hours, and then i start to feel lost again. maybe it really is just a matter of me needing to be more satisfied with simpler accomplishments, and not set such high standards for myself that i always think all my work is crap, but i think that more likely it's that i really am a slimeball, and i probably deserve to be a soulless politician. problem is, i don't think i really like playing this game; it's giving me ulcers (okay, so that's an exageration; i haven't been to the hospital, and i'm probably not going, but my stomach has been tying itself in knots with increasing frequency and intensity lately).

for basically my entire life, i've managed to get by rather well on just doing what i'm told, working harder than i should, gritting my teeth, and sticking with it through the pain. but recently i've been wondering if that will always be enough. specifically, what if the reason why i'm having so much trouble here with my phd is that i really do need more than that, and i'm just not cut out for it? i mean, to be an effective researcher, i probably *should* be able to come up with stuff on my own and not have to rely on people telling me what to do so i can knuckle down and do it.

but i *want* it. i don't even know why, but i've dreamed about those three little letters for as long as i can remember, and i don't want to give up yet. is that just me being stubborn? will it make things worse if i do eventually wash out?