tuesday afternoon (forever afternoon)

let's just get one thing straight: the moody blues, quite simply, rock. that's all there is to it. and maybe if i listened to more of them, i wouldn't be quite so depressed.

i've been trying to make note of little things i do that should probably clue me in to the fact that my brain isn't function properly at a particular moment. like, for instance, when i start exclusively listening to radiohead and similar for long periods of time, i'm probably not myself.

and as i've mentioned before, i tend to get irrationally suspicious and jealous of my friends. the ski weekend was a very trying experience in this regard. i really want to believe that it's all just in my head, and that i'm making shit up, and people aren't really fed up with me, or hate me, or think i'm stupid or annoying, or whatever. i really do. but it feels to me like people describe dreaming: at some level, you realize that what you're experiencing is ridiculousness bordering on nonsense, but it _feels_ so much like reality that it's impossible not to believe that it's really happening.

and of course, you always find what you look for... at these times i feel vulnerable and worthless, and therefore anything anyone says gets twisted around in my brain to reinforce this notion. i distinctly remember several comments that enno has made recently regarding some sort of athletic activity where he pointed out that he is better, stronger, and faster than i am. and every word of it is true, a simple statement of fact---so why does it feel like a fucking knife in the gut? it's highly improbable that he would ever say such things with the menace that i read into them; and he even invited me to a small social gathering at his apartment last thursday. i mean, hasn't that been my biggest whine over the years, that it seemed like i always had to initiate contact with people? have i always been this messed up? do i just not notice when people do initiate with me? ha. and what a beautiful setup i've just given myself for a perfect self-depricating slam about ingratitude. oh, brother. i wonder if i've always been this predictable, too.

i talked with dave about this a little in an email. he's right; most of it stems directly from deep-seated self-worth/esteem issues. after what tien told me last fall, though, i think it's more complicated than that. it's possible (and possibly even likely) that i really do need medication. now i just have to work up the courage to try to get it.

okay, i know, this has been really pathetic as journal entries go, my apologies. the sun is shining outside. after my exam tomorrow, i won't have to take any more classes for credit ever again. i've almost got an italian passport. plenty of fun/nice/good things happening. i just have to force myself to remember them.

hope everybody else's life is smoother than mine right now.