he loves the country, he loves it not...

well, i finally made it to the post office this afternoon.

therefore, i've officially sent in my ballot.

god. is it just me, or did it seem even _more_ depressing that usual this time? perhaps it's just that the act of trying to fill it out---and finding that i actually do care about what happens---felt like a threat to my wannabe expatriot status.

seriously, though. it was like plucking petals off a flower; "bad," "worse," "bad," "worse..." "well, i guess that means we have to go with 'bad...'" if i weren't so terrified of being stuck with "worse" again, i was totally ready to break out the big fat sharpie and write "D. NONE OF THE ABOVE" across the whole thing, as large as i could.

but no. we're stuck. we can't buck the system, because doing so _will_ make things worse. it's like an ultra fucked-up version of the prisoner's dilemma; we're not playing a zero-sum game anymore. good morning. welcome to real life. oh, and by the way, the kindergarteners had it right all along: **it's not fucking fair.** fine, so we didn't swear like that when we were five (least of all me, i realize), but twenty years later, at times when i feel just as helpless as i did then, at least i can squeeze a tiny drop of catharsis out of having words at my disposal that come a little closer to conveying what i actually feel.

and the fun doesn't stop there, either. once you get past the first question, already fighting the urge to retch, there's still three quarters of a page of other people, most of whom i knew nothing about, except what was provided in their pamphlet statements. but even those nearly moved me to tears, the way some people are just ignorant, mean-spirited, and vindictive. move over ipecac, here comes 'essence of voter's pamphlet.' then i got to the back side, where the measures are... i dunno, somehow i had maintained my [somewhat naive] view of oregon being a nice, laid-back, diverse, and generally accepting sort of place, even if behind the times by a bit, and not always entirely un-backwards. that all got shattered but good, like a crowbar run amok in the swarovski store, when i read the marriage question. it was all i could do to keep from crying, and i almost didn't succeed. what kind of hate would drive someone to even think about writing such a horrible, horrible thing? i know that the hate-bone is connected to the fear-bone by the propaganda joint, which is jerked around swiftly by the ligaments of religion and tradition. but while i accept the fact that people have differing viewpoints, i've never understood how they can justify their fascist behavior, even [or perhaps especially] to themselves.

what makes it even worse, in my mind, is the fact that, when it is on the ballot, it's not even a religious/moral issue, but a _fiscal_ one. if anyone still believes in the separation of church and state (which is laughably superficial at best anymore), it should be clear that the government does not regulate the institution of marriage because of a biblical mandate, but rather in the interest of the continued health and prosperity of the country. you can't marry your siblings or your first cousins, because a country full of mongoloids probably won't be able to maintain it's status as a 'world power.' tax breaks are given on marriage and children to encourage registration and provide a higher granularity with respect to paperwork. probably there are even better motivations, and others for the legal protections/benfits also, but i'm too tired right now to formulate a good argument, or even speculate. my point is: whatever your personal opinions and convictions on the institution of marriage, whether i agree with them or not, neither mine nor yours have **any place whatsoever** in governmental statutes. if you put them there, you are giving legal reinforcement to class/caste based discrimination which is fundamentally _identical_ to slavery, racism, and the lack of women's suffrage.

it makes me so angry. and i loathe the person i become when i'm angry. at times like this, i'm unsure whether i wish i had been gifted with superhero powers, or if i'm grateful that i haven't any, seeing as i probably wouldn't be qualified to control them. sure, i'd be wracked with guilt for causing the spontaneous combustion of ignorant pig-headed bigots, but then maybe my self-flagellation would be a small price to pay for how much better the world would be without them...

as mentioned above, i'm tired, and emotional, and freely admit that i'm probably not providing adequate backing for half of the outrageous claims i'm making. so please forgive me, and correct me gently if i need it. and now, i'm going to bed, before i get my self in any more trouble.

[[note to self: next entry should reference the recent darbnet discussion on anger management.]]